Performative Productivity: The Ultimate Guide

It’s exam season, and you have a mountain of notes to review, papers to write, and readings to catch up on. After considering your options: a) pulling two consecutive all-nighters before each exam, b) installing cheating spyware in your glasses for the exams, or c) dropping out, you make the responsible decision to study. In order to do this, you need to appear as productive as possible.

First, go to the newest, most viral cafe you can find on Instagram. Order a large oat milk caramel vanilla hazelnut frappuccino with whipped cream, extra caramel drizzle, and four extra shots of espresso. If the barista spells your name wrong, ask them to remake your drink.

Next, pick a library. Wander around various libraries and only settle when you find a quiet study spot with several outlets, a window with a good view, comfortable seating, a nearby cafe, and a washroom within 15 feet.

Your friends need to know how productive you’re being today, so take photos of your workspace to post. This should include your laptop, various textbooks, highlighters arranged in rainbow order, your drink, and your notebook open to the one aesthetic page of notes you took at the beginning of the semester. Consider including photos of the view, an outfit check, and several selfies.

Before you start studying, you’ll have to play every New York Times game, including Letterboxed and Tiles. And make sure you get to Genius ranking on Spelling Bee.

You can’t study before fuelling up, so you’ll have to find a good lunch spot and spend $28 on a pretentious poke bowl. And everyone knows you can’t eat without watching something, so take this opportunity to start that movie you’ve been meaning to watch. I suggest Oppenheimer. It’ll get you feeling optimistic about finals, and it’s the perfect length for a quick lunch!

Next, find the perfect soundtrack for your study session. Scroll through Spotify looking for the perfect moody dark academia themed playlist. Listen to the first few songs and then decide you’re more in the mood for an upbeat lofi playlist. A few minutes later you’ll realise what you really need is a pomodoro timer, so you’ll have to spend some time scrolling through YouTube looking for the perfect one.

You’ll definitely need some fidget toys to help you concentrate. I recommend some squishies, or slime and a fidget spinner if you’re feeling nostalgic. Using these will also show everyone in the library how focused and productive you are.

You wouldn’t want to miss any important messages, so take some time to check your email, text messages, DMs, and voicemail. Make sure to respond to everything, even if it’s not urgent.

By now you’re feeling very productive, and it’s probably time for a break. You wouldn’t want to overwork yourself. Tell yourself you’re just going to scroll TikTok for 15 minutes, but let it become an hour and a half.

You’ve been in the library for six hours now, so it’s probably time to head home and get some rest. It’s important to recharge so you can do it all again tomorrow.